Crossroads
by ilna
Summary: On Halloween, Catherine and Steve struggle with the aftermath of Billy's death.


**Summary: **On Halloween, Catherine and Steve struggle with the aftermath of Billy's death.

**Note:** This story would likely not exist without Sammy's incredible insights and endless encouragement. Many, many thanks. This one is for you.

**Disclaimer:** You all know the characters aren't mine. Dialogue from the majority of the kitchen scene taken from episode 4.06.

* * *

_Crossroads_

Steve brought the Camaro to a stop at the traffic light, a small sigh escaping him. In the passenger seat, Danny regarded his partner who had been unusually quiet the entire ride, and, now that he thought about it, most of the day. Not that Steve was ever what Danny would call "chatty," but this was extreme, even for him. He had an inkling about the reason for Steve's silence, and decided he'd broach the subject and let his partner decide if he wanted to talk.

"How's Catherine been doing?" No response was forthcoming and Danny suspected Steve hadn't even heard the question. "Steve?" He asked, louder this time.

"What?" As he thought, Steve looked surprised at being addressed.

"I asked how Catherine was doing. I haven't seen her in awhile."

Steve paused as he looked at Danny before turning back to the road. He contemplated how much to reveal to his friend. He wanted to respect Catherine's privacy, but he also needed to talk to someone about his own frustration at not being able to help her. He knew Danny's question wasn't idle curiosity or simply a polite inquiry. His partner genuinely cared about Catherine. He also knew the conversation would not leave the car and this convinced him to speak.

"She's not good, Danny," he said finally, his voice ragged. "She's barely sleeping, wakes up from nightmares." He shook his head, covering his mouth momentarily with a hand before glancing over at his partner. "She's trying to hide that from me, closing herself off. She can't forgive herself for Billy's death, and until she does, she can't move on. I just . . ." He looked down, running his hand through his hair. "I don't know what to do, Danny. I don't know how to help her."

Danny let silence return to the car as he thought about his response.

"This is something she's gotta work through, Steve. No matter how much you want to – and I _know_ you want to – you can't fix this for her. All you can do is be there for her when she needs you. Whatever she needs."

"I've been where she is, Danny," Steve continued with feeling, motioning with his hand. "I've had the flashbacks, I've carried the guilt, the recriminations. Second-guessing myself. Going over and over, around in circles, trying to figure out what I could have done differently. I've been there," he sighed. "And I wouldn't wish it on anyone." He swallowed with difficulty. "Especially not someone I care about," he added quietly.

"I know, babe. Neither would I." Steve nodded, knowing Danny did understand better than most. He caught the light change in his periphery and looked forward. He took a deep breath and exhaled before pulling out into the intersection.

* * *

Steve entered the empty house to find a bowl of candy and a note on the table beside the door.

_Went for a run._

_Extra candy in the cupboard._

_Trick-or-treating starts at 1800. _

_C_

Steve sighed as he dropped his keys and wallet on the coffee table. He was getting used to these notes. Catherine had been avoiding him more and more. Texting instead of calling. Finding excuses to avoid meals together. Feigning sleep when he came home late. He hated that she was pulling away from him. He knew he couldn't force her to move on, that decision could only come from Catherine. But he couldn't continue to watch her suffer without at least trying to talk to her about it.

The sooner the better.

* * *

This was it.

Steve had seen her haunted look as she'd jogged passed him into the house and he couldn't wait any longer. Shutting the door and setting the candy bowl down he followed her into the darkened kitchen. Turning on the light he addressed her softly.

"Catherine. You can't keep doing this. You gotta stop punishing yourself for Billy's death."

When she spoke her voice was small, smaller than he'd ever heard it.

"Steve, please don't do this right now."

"No, would you please just listen to me?" He said firmly, waiting for her to turn to him. If she was willing to talk, he wanted this conversation to be face to face. "I've been here. Okay? I promise you, I've been exactly where you are right now. When you lose somebody like that you start second-guessing everything you did, you start thinking about all the ways that it could have been different. You gotta stop. Okay? I promise you, you do not want to carry that weight." She didn't reply, looking down. "I'm not saying forget, Catherine," he insisted and she looked up at him. "I'm just saying you gotta forgive yourself for a bit and, and give yourself a chance to move on."

He waited, wondering if she would speak, hoping she would hear his words and let him in.

"I want to," she said finally, her voice cracking. She continued with more conviction. "I want to. I just don't know how," she admitted, shaking her head. "My whole life was the Navy, Steve. Knowing where I had to be every hour of every day, what I had to do. I had a purpose. And, and that's all gone now, so . . ."

He straightened and spoke quickly, emboldened by her words and her willingness to talk at last.

"Right. That's why you gotta find something. Okay? And it doesn't even have to be a job, it doesn't matter what it is, but you gotta find something." He waited for her to take in the implications of what he was saying. "You putting your life on hold is not gonna bring Billy back."

Her head dropped again as she processed his words.

"Yeah" she said at last, shifting to lean on the counter and raising her eyes to his. "Yeah."

He kept his gaze on her in silent support until a ringtone broke the quiet. Steve closed his eyes, unable to hold in a frustrated sigh. He opened his eyes and met Catherine's, apology clear but unspoken as he pulled his phone from his back pocket.

"McGarrett." He paused, listening. "Okay. I'm on the way." Pocketing his phone he took a step toward her. "I'm so sorry, Catherine. I wish I didn't have to–"

"It's okay, Steve. Really. It's okay. I'll be okay." Her tone was light and she was trying to smile, so he thought she probably meant she'd be okay for the evening, but he decided to take it step further.

"Yes. You will be."

She took a shaky breath at his words and he stepped closer, closing the gap between them. Cradling the side of her neck with one hand he pressed his lips to her temple. She closed her eyes, bringing a hand up to cover his. He pulled back to look at her and she nodded, squeezing his hand once before releasing it. With a returning nod he turned and left the kitchen. She heard his footsteps on the stairs and she turned, leaning against the sink, taking a deep breath and closing her eyes once again in an effort to calm her thoughts, now in overdrive.

Barely a minute later Steve came down the stairs, pulling a fresh shirt on over his T-shirt, weapon holstered and badge in place. He reached for the doorknob.

"Hey," Catherine called from the doorway of the kitchen. He turned to face her. "Thank you," she said, her voice quiet but firm.

The sincerity in her tone tugged at him and he crossed the room to stand before her. Raising a hand he brushed at a tear track on her cheek with his thumb before kissing her. Eyes still closed, he rested his forehead against hers for a moment before pressing his lips to her brow. With a final look and a small half-smile, he turned back for the door.

* * *

Catherine leaned her head forward into the shower spray, letting the water cover her completely, watching it circle down the drain. Steve's voice echoed in her head.

_"You gotta stop punishing yourself for Billy's death."_

He was right. She knew he was right. But she still couldn't stop the memories from flooding her senses. She heard the gunshots. She felt Billy's blood on her fingers. She saw the grief in his father's eyes. The memories came unbidden, both when she was awake and when she slept which was, admittedly, not much lately. Turning, she leaned her head back into the spray and closed her eyes, pushing her hair out of her face.

Compounding her guilt was the full knowledge that she'd been shutting Steve out since the funeral. She had been grateful he'd given her space to try and work through her grief, but she realized now she was even more grateful that he had finally spoken up. He cared enough to see past her weak attempt to brush him off in the kitchen and said what she needed to hear.

"_You gotta forgive yourself for a bit and give yourself a chance to move on."_

Forgiveness didn't mean she'd forget. She'd never forget. But she wasn't honoring Billy's life or his death with endless recriminations. She had come to a crossroad and she knew which way she wanted to turn.

It wouldn't happen all at once. There was no switch she could flip to shut off her grief or her guilt. It was there, inside her, and she had to deal with it. But Steve's words had reminded her of a very important fact.

She wasn't alone. There were people who cared about her.

Steve.

Danny and Chin.

Even Kamekona.

And Kono. Out there alone searching for Adam.

"_It doesn't even have to be a job, but you gotta find something."_

Her eyes flew open. She knew suddenly what she needed to do.

Shutting off the water she slid open the shower door and pulled a towel from the rack, wrapping it around her midsection as she exited the bathroom and entered the bedroom practically at a run, heedless of the water flying from her wet hair.

Grabbing her phone from the nightstand she scrolled through her contacts until she found the one she was looking for. Without hesitation she dialed, her posture straightening as she brought the phone to her ear and waited for the connection.

"Kevin. It's Catherine Rollins. Listen, I'm sorry to call so late, but . . . I need a favor."

* * *

**Note:** And there's lucky number 13. I briefly considered continuing on to the end of the episode, but instead I'll point you to sammy1026's most excellent fics _Talking in Code_ and _It's Good to Have a Plan_.

**Note:** A secondary dedication goes to all those who reviewed my two earlier H50 fics – your comments are like a boost of adrenaline and are directly responsible for the fast turn around on this story. I truly did not think it would be done this quickly, so thank you all.


End file.
